Written on 9.25.25
Currently, I’m on my lunch break. Pumping, answering emails, and figuring out our budget in between bites of food. I’ve looked up several financial counseling services with a plan to call at least two of them to see if we can get some help. More on that later. It’s been a relatively long day, and I could really use a nap. Though I doubt I would actually take one if given the opportunity.
I’ve been feeling the pull of depression again. Low energy. Sobbing in the shower. Crying as I walk through the grocery store. Closing myself off socially. Not putting effort into my appearance. Not wanting to leave the house. Not wanting to clean or do laundry. Feeling like a failure. Giving the bare minimum at work. Feeling overwhelmingly sad. And having frequent intrusive thoughts. I’ve also had a few days where it physically hurt to get out of bed. Anything I have in the tank goes to my kids, and then as everyone settles in for the night, I crash out emotionally. The mask comes off, and I’m sitting on a pile of emotions I’d rather not deal with. It feels hard to breathe. Internally, I am screaming.
If you’ve been here long enough, you know I was diagnosed with depression as a teenager and anxiety in my 20s. Well, a few years ago, I started running and exercising as healthy ways to manage my symptoms. The more I did those things, the less I experienced low points, and eventually I was able to be taken off my medication. And for several years now, I’ve managed my symptoms with movement and getting outdoors. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to consistently run in a long time. And with current schedules, it will be a bit longer before I can even attempt to return to a normal running/workout schedule. So, my main coping techniques and stress outlets have been removed.
Knowing that, this would probably be the time for me to set up an appointment to see my therapist and then ask my doctor to place me back on medication. A band-aid, if you will. However, we are in such a crappy financial situation that I have to be very selective about what I spend on. Currently, counseling and medication are at the bottom of the priority list. Plus, I'm still breastfeeding, so I won't take anything that could negatively impact my son's health. Which means that instead of dealing with everything, I dissociate. I chip away at what I can, and try not to worry about the next thing. I tell myself that this won’t last forever. God will help us get through it. I tell myself to hold it together a little bit longer, and the help will come. I pray for my husband, my children, and our health. I breathe in and out. I unclench my jaw, and I get on with my day.
