(Bitter) Sweet 16

Last week, we celebrated Emery’s 16th birthday. Cue the tears and “How did we get here?” comments. The weekend before that, we spent time in Waco with my family. Her little cousins made her a cake and chocolate-covered strawberries. They bought her a tiara, too. It was all very low-key, which we enjoyed.

While we started the day of her birthday with laughter, something felt a little off when I got home. Later that night, she mentioned that she felt a little underwhelmed by everything. And it had nothing to do with the celebration or the gifts, but more because of how she was feeling. She’s been struggling with the reality of mortality since the car accident we had back in March 2025. And it’s almost as if it’s sucked the joy out of all the happy moments since then. As the day came to an end, and we were sitting on the couch, she quietly said, “Today felt weird. I miss the me at 14. Birthdays just aren’t as exciting as they used to be.” And that made me sad.

This year, our financial situation limited what we could do for her. And having a baby has also limited what I have the energy for. Before, I would have taken that opportunity to give her a pep talk and make a late-night run for ice cream to cheer her up. Blasting her music and singing at the top of our lungs. Instead, I was staring at a very low-balance bank account, running on little sleep, and trying to calm a fussy baby who kept wailing every time I put him down. And so, I felt like I was letting her down by not being able to be there for her. Not being able to focus on her. I went to bed feeling like a failure.

I wish I could have done more. I wish she and I had been able to have a day, just the two of us. I think it’s desperately needed. I wish she hadn’t been with me the evening of our car accident. That man has caused more damage than he can even imagine. And I wish that my little girl could feel the joy in all of the happy moments like she used to. I miss the excitement she had for being with her friends. For school trips. For time spent at home, but also getting to go out and explore - being a teenager. That 14-year-old was ready to take on the world. The 16-year-old today is cautious and views everything with shades of grey.

All of that said, I’m so proud of her. It’s been a very bittersweet time, but I don’t want the tinge of sadness to dampen how grateful we are. It hits me every once in a while, out of the blue, that she’s closer to 18 than 10. She’s determined, and she’s smart. She's putting in the work with her counselor to sort through/cope with her feelings. She talks to me about everything, which I love. Even when the subject matter gets a bit awkward. We laugh a lot, which I love to hear. And I am constantly praying that the fear she’s had placed on her heart will one day fade away. That is my wish for her this year. So, here's to another year around the sun, Little. I love you. 💖

Wordless Wednesday

 

Letting Go of a Place

Photo by Pin Adventure Map on Unsplash

Written on 12.17.25 

When I was a teenager, I had these big dreams of living in a big city. I wanted to see other parts of the world, too. Now, as an adult, while I would love to see other parts of the world, I’m most comfortable in the country. My entire life has been spent here in this area. Minus that one year I lived in California. My family was here. It was a small town with a strong community. Everyone knew everyone else. Crime was very low. And honestly, I have enjoyed being here. It’s familiar. It’s safe. It’s HOME.

Then, a few months ago, our landlord had a mental health crisis. Not their first. And while I won’t get into too much detail, the police did get involved. It was recommended that we stay elsewhere for a few nights and then return later once they had gotten some help. We were lucky to have a place to stay for the week, and we spent those days living out of a duffel bag. The whole ordeal was super disruptive to say the least. But this forced us to start looking into the long term. My husband and I took the week to talk about our lives. What was our goal? Did we still see a future here? What did we really have left in this town? If we did move, where would we go? How would a move impact the kids? How would this impact us, financially and in our lives overall?

In the end, we came to the conclusion that nothing was holding us here. The cost of living has almost doubled, and it’s still climbing. The job market has not kept up, and while I make a decent amount, I could be making more elsewhere. My parents moved 1 ½ hours away. His dad and stepmom live 3 ½ hours away. This community is no longer small, and it’s projected to grow quite a bit in the next 5 years. While it is relatively safe, drugs and alcohol are everywhere. Though I doubt that’s different anywhere else. And as we sat there listing the pros and cons of whether to stay or go, I realized that the only thing holding us here was nostalgia. And a healthy dose of fear that comes from having to start all over. Nineteen-year-old me would have probably been packed and ready to go. Thirty-eight-year-old, mother of two, me is looking around in panic. Because what do you mean, I have to uproot everything and try to figure out life in a very unfamiliar place?

Now, by the time we returned to our house, we were all in agreement that it would be best for us to move. Where? We haven’t determined that yet. It will honestly depend on jobs. Though we have about 3 locations in mind. Ideally, we’d like to get our financial situation sorted out first. And I’d like to have some time to job hunt before going anywhere. I’d also like to wait until Emery finishes the school year. All of that said, we haven’t ruled out staying in this area completely. Maybe going a few towns over, or so. But we do want to leave our current location. We want to have a fresh start somewhere. Preferably still close to our families. Though a job offer was extended to my husband in South Texas, we haven't completely declined. In the end, we’ll do what’s best for our family. But HERE is no longer a place we’re tied to. And while there’s grief in that, there’s also excitement.