Wordless Wednesday

Broken Nights

While things have been going well for my husband, the downside has been that he’s away from home. A lot. He only comes back every other weekend, and then we try to make a trip in between. Sometimes we just get a Saturday before one of us has to leave. And even that depends on schedules. Overall, this has been very hard on me. It’s been hard on Emery and little man, too.

Because my husband is gone for long stretches at a time, I have to rely on Emery’s help way more than I did before. Which she’s not a fan of, and I don’t blame her. I will say that my sister-in-law, from my previous marriage, has been a huge help to me during these past few months. Sometimes she brings over dinner, a packed lunch, or offers to watch the little man so I can take a shower. But she has her own life, and I don’t want to intrude on it. My parents have also made a handful of trips up here to help me get some things done. But it’s a long drive to make, so I don’t ask for them to do this often. So, a lot of times, I feel like I just can’t keep up with the demands of everyday life.

My brain is constantly on. Lists, reminders, and did that get done? While my son is sleeping better, I have developed a really bad snoring problem. Weight gain induced. Sometimes I wonder if this is also why he can’t sleep for long stretches either. So, we're both still getting crap sleep every night. And each week, we are navigating something new. There are personal appointments and work meetings. Illness and track schedules. Pickups and drop-offs. Bedtime routines and work projects. Laundry and committees. Calendars and school events. And y’all, I feel like I’m floundering. Trying to work full-time, be there for my teenager, take care of my baby, keep all of our animals alive, AND maintain a clean home has left me with very little time to do anything besides survive.

On top of that, it’s been said that I’m not ambitious enough. That I’m lazy. I’ve been told that I don’t want to put effort into my career to help my family. “Why did you go get a degree if you aren’t going to use it to make things better for yourself and your family?” But if I really pursued a better-paying job that required more of me, I’d be accused of being selfish. "She must not want to be around her family. She’s allowing strangers to raise her kids." So, when comments about my “lack of effort” get made, it piss me off. And then I get a bit defensive. Because what the heck do you mean I'm not doing enough? I don’t know when I would have the time, at least right now, to give any more of myself in any area of my life. Home or career. There’s just nothing left in my tank right now.

December 2025

I feel like I’m failing at everything. Nothing can receive my full attention. I feel like a married single mom, and there are times when I resent that. I was promised help. I was told I would not have to parent alone. I was told that I’d still have time for self-care. And I was told that I wouldn’t have to carry the mental load on my own. Yet, here we are. And I know that this is just a hard season in life right now - I know. But having to go such long periods without my partner's help has been rough. Feeling like I’m not contributing enough has left me doubting myself. Feeling like a terrible wife and mother has left me broken on some nights. And I know that at some point, things will ease up. I'll be wishing for these days again. Even if only to relive the moments with my kids. So, even on the broken nights, after the tears are shed, I tell myself that there are so many things to be grateful for. And I continue to count my blessings.

Wordless Wednesday