Broken Nights

While things have been going well for my husband, the downside has been that he’s away from home. A lot. He only comes back every other weekend, and then we try to make a trip in between. Sometimes we just get a Saturday before one of us has to leave. And even that depends on schedules. Overall, this has been very hard on me. It’s been hard on Emery and little man, too.

Because my husband is gone for long stretches at a time, I have to rely on Emery’s help way more than I did before. Which she’s not a fan of, and I don’t blame her. I will say that my sister-in-law, from my previous marriage, has been a huge help to me during these past few months. Sometimes she brings over dinner, a packed lunch, or offers to watch the little man so I can take a shower. But she has her own life, and I don’t want to intrude on it. My parents have also made a handful of trips up here to help me get some things done. But it’s a long drive to make, so I don’t ask for them to do this often. So, a lot of times, I feel like I just can’t keep up with the demands of everyday life.

My brain is constantly on. Lists, reminders, and did that get done? While my son is sleeping better, I have developed a really bad snoring problem. Weight gain induced. Sometimes I wonder if this is also why he can’t sleep for long stretches either. So, we're both still getting crap sleep every night. And each week, we are navigating something new. There are personal appointments and work meetings. Illness and track schedules. Pickups and drop-offs. Bedtime routines and work projects. Laundry and committees. Calendars and school events. And y’all, I feel like I’m floundering. Trying to work full-time, be there for my teenager, take care of my baby, keep all of our animals alive, AND maintain a clean home has left me with very little time to do anything besides survive.

On top of that, it’s been said that I’m not ambitious enough. That I’m lazy. I’ve been told that I don’t want to put effort into my career to help my family. “Why did you go get a degree if you aren’t going to use it to make things better for yourself and your family?” But if I really pursued a better-paying job that required more of me, I’d be accused of being selfish. "She must not want to be around her family. She’s allowing strangers to raise her kids." So, when comments about my “lack of effort” get made, it piss me off. And then I get a bit defensive. Because what the heck do you mean I'm not doing enough? I don’t know when I would have the time, at least right now, to give any more of myself in any area of my life. Home or career. There’s just nothing left in my tank right now.

December 2025

I feel like I’m failing at everything. Nothing can receive my full attention. I feel like a married single mom, and there are times when I resent that. I was promised help. I was told I would not have to parent alone. I was told that I’d still have time for self-care. And I was told that I wouldn’t have to carry the mental load on my own. Yet, here we are. And I know that this is just a hard season in life right now - I know. But having to go such long periods without my partner's help has been rough. Feeling like I’m not contributing enough has left me doubting myself. Feeling like a terrible wife and mother has left me broken on some nights. And I know that at some point, things will ease up. I'll be wishing for these days again. Even if only to relive the moments with my kids. So, even on the broken nights, after the tears are shed, I tell myself that there are so many things to be grateful for. And I continue to count my blessings.

Wordless Wednesday

Open Doors

I’ve drafted two full posts in the past hour and then deleted each one. They each felt like I was trying to pack a lot into one post, and well, no one needs that amount of word vomit in one sitting. So, let’s start with the first major event, shall we?

May 2025

At the beginning of 2025, my husband was presented with a new work opportunity. He would be learning a new skill and completely stepping out of the construction world. This opportunity would come with a “buy-in” partnership and inspection license. It would mean creating his own hours and less physical stress on his body. It was a win-win. So, he accepted.

Well, halfway through the year, he was informed that a partnership was no longer on the table. Instead, he would receive an increase in salary and be the supervisor for any new hires. But becoming a part-owner would not be possible. While this was disheartening news, he said he was okay as long as he was able to apprentice until he could get his own license. The pay bump was also very welcome, as we were struggling. So, he pushed on.

Then, as August rolled around, there was news that the owner might sell the company off completely. And if not, he would significantly decrease the areas in which he would place work bids. My husband’s area was one of those possibly being axed. Based on several discussions, some of which took place in front of me while others did not, he was told that he had nothing to worry about. If our area was not bid, he could work in the neighboring one. It would require a bit more travel, but his job was secure.

And then November came along. My husband was informed that his employer had decided not to bid for our area again. And while we were expecting this, the major disappointment came when he found himself unemployed. With no way of completing an apprenticeship to gain his license. It felt like he had just wasted a year. And everything that he had been told was just…bullshit. As you can imagine, that set us back even further financially.

After his last day, he took a few weeks to get some things done around our home. He did some odd jobs here and there. But every night, he’d ask if he should go back to what he knew - construction. I honestly had no idea what to say. Did he enjoy that line of work? Sometimes. Did it beat up his body every day? Definitely. But was he good at it? Absolutely. And that’s when he started to toss around the idea of being his own boss. And well, after some discussion, that’s the route he decided would be best. Go big or go home, right?

At the beginning of 2026, he decided to pursue it with everything he had. He would take guidance from his grandfather, who owns his own company, on creating this new business. Then, we put whatever we could into investing in tools. He started talking to some businesses about referrals for jobs that might be too small for them or that they didn't have time for. And finally, he started his first big build.

So far, things have been going pretty well, and he has steady work, which we are grateful for. He’s put in a lot of hard work, and he’s even been able to pay for a work hand, which has helped tremendously. But I would be lying if I said we didn’t have our doubts. Especially when he received a call from a local company, willing to pay him a really good amount, to run their construction crew. He politely declined, but it made us so nervous. That said, I have faith that he’ll be able to make this happen. I have faith that he’s working towards his dream so he can better himself and his family. Now, I just pray that God guides him in the work he needs to do, and that doors open for him when we need them.